Here’s what I want for Christmas
OPINION: The things on my Christmas gift list are not easy to buy. I have big dreams.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
What do I want for Christmas? It’s complicated. I’m a grown man with a job so I tend to get myself whatever I want, and at the holidays I focus on what others need. But I deserve stuff, too. But when I think of Christmas lists, I think of things that are … extra. My Xmas list is always extra. But shouldn’t it be? Santa is smart enough to pull off the superhuman feat of getting stuff to people all over the world, so surely I can ask for things that aren’t on the menu. So, what do I want for Christmas?
1. Reparations. Black people deserve reparations. America deserves to pay us reparations; this country became a global economic power because of slavery. If Santa is really in the dream-fulfilling business, he should do something meaningful like get us reparations. It’s like ancient Mitch McConnell is the Grinch of reparations, blocking all the good Black boys and girls from getting their money. Well, in this story, Santa somehow transforms Mitch into the Grinch who has learned his lesson and now shares nicely with everyone, even Black folks.
2. One more great album from Lauryn Hill. I still have hope that she’s got one more in her. If she can sing from the heart about her life and everything she’s been through, it could be amazing. She’s been through a lot. And this time, she could have someone videotape her writing all the songs so there’s no confusion about that.
3. I also want one more album of rapping from Andre 3000. My soul needs more of those 3K rhymes.
4. A painting by Deborah Roberts one of my favorite contemporary painters. In many of her pieces, Roberts uses collage in ways that recall the genius Romare Bearden while maintaining Roberts’s own style.
5. $1 million in unmarked, untraceable bills so I don’t have to pay taxes on it or nothing. I don’t need to explain why.
6. An Italian velvet tailored chore coat in olive velvet from Todd Snyder. It’s so beautiful.
7. A sequel to “Kill Bill.” The Quentin Tarantino releases we got in 2003 and 2004 — “Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2” — were originally intended to be one long film. It was cut into two by the studio, and that amazing film deserves an equally epic sequel. So much has happened in the last 20 years, but mainly I want to know what happens after the daughter of Vernita Green (played by Vivica A. Fox) grows up and decides to seek revenge on Beatrix (Uma Thurman) for killing her mother in front of her.
8. A fair one with Santa. Yes, I want to fight Santa. I don’t have beef with him; I just want to see if he’s nice with his hands or if he’s a wimp. I’ve been hearing about this guy for decades, and sometimes when everyone’s talking about a guy over and over, a little voice in your head says, I wonder if that guy can fight. I would think he’s gotta have some sort of fighting skills because he’s jumping in and out of other people’s homes all the time. Eventually, he’s gotta run into some homeowners who do not understand what’s going on, which forces him to have to fight his way out. So there should be experience in fighting. I just want to see where he’s at. Everyone else wants to sit on Santa’s lap, but I want to pump a stiff jab right in his fat face and see what he does. Will he run or send one right back into my grill? You can’t really, really know a man until you’ve fought him.
9. The Tesla Cybertruck. Yes, Elon is a horrible person and clearly not a genius, but this truck is awesome. It’s so dystopian. It’s so iconic. The design is epic — soon it’ll be in every rap video. I know I’ll be able to drive this after the apocalypse. Yep, after the world collapses under the crushing weight of capitalism, this truck will still be able to move me through whatever is left of society. When we devolve into some Lord of the Flies madness, this truck will define who’s king. If I get nothing but this truck this Christmas, Santa, I promise to not punch you in the eye.
Happy Holidays everybody!
Touré is a host and Creative Director at theGrio. He is the host of Masters of the Game on theGrioTV. He is also the host and creator of the docuseries podcast “Being Black: The ’80s” and the animated show “Star Stories with Toure” which you can find at TheGrio.com/starstories. He is also the host of the podcast “Toure Show” and the podcast docuseries “Who Was Prince?” He is the author of eight books including the Prince biography Nothing Compares 2 U and the ebook The Ivy League Counterfeiter.
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