When Nishma Mistry, a South Asian Atlanta-based woman, planned her wedding, she said the guest list included hundreds, and the events lasted for days. She also said she had to contact many on her guest list to confirm who was coming to what event.
“I had to call everyone and ask, ‘Are you coming?’ It was such a waste of time,” she told People magazine. “You have a list the size of your arm to get done and you’re trying to appease everyone. People don’t understand the importance of responding back.”
Mistry, a wedding planning expert and creator of Asian Bride Sorority, was thinking of her own experience more than a decade ago and the hordes of other couples frustrated by unanswered RSVPs when she created the “Missed RSVP” card, which wedding hosts can send out after their RSVP deadline has passed.
“We’re sorry you can’t make it to our wedding. Our RSVP deadline has passed, and unfortunately, you did not respond. We would have loved to have you attend, but final numbers have now been turned in, and your presence will be missed,” the card reads.
While Mistry’s card has received a mixed response online, with many claiming it’s “harsh,” her card does beg the question: What is the etiquette around RSVPs?
With graduations kicking off in less than two months and spring weddings starting to unfold, the next few months through the end of summer will be filled with significant celebrations, with hosts potentially waiting to get their RSVP answers.
There are many reasons for failing to respond to an RSVP on time. It’s a prevalent, albeit rude, bad habit. However, as Mistry and many others can attest, not doing so can throw off a person’s planning of a large-scale event. A couple can expect roughly 60% to 85% of their guest list to attend, meaning they can also expect to go hunting for a few RSVPs. While some may not agree with Mistry’s method, nearly all agree some communication from the host is required when an RSVP doesn’t receive a response.
According to one of America’s most well-known and trusted sources on etiquette, the late Emily Post, hosts “have no choice” but to reach out in some way when they do not receive an RSVP. However, Post suggests a friendly reminder call to confirm.
Her official thought, “It is perfectly polite, however, for hosts to call friends to ask if they plan to attend.”
If guests miss the RSVP deadline and want to attend, they should reach out to the host and confirm they can still attend. Showing up without RSVPing or reaching out is essentially showing up unannounced and could put the host in a really bad spot.
A courtesy call to guests may be frustrating to add to an already long to-do list, but it could potentially be avoided with online RSVPs. Many more couples take their invitations online or point to a website on their paper invitations these days. Wedding websites are a great way to communicate details en masse, give updates, share registries, and seamlessly collect RSVPs all in one place. From Squarespace to Joy, there are many different sources for wedding websites, each with its own nuanced features.
While efficient, modern, and highly organized, taking things online isn’t a cure-all. According to the wedding site Inside Weddings, some downsides can include older generations struggling with the technology. Another could be that if you don’t send a paper invitation or save the date card, some guests could forget about the event because a link is too “out of sight, out of mind.”
Above all, if it means something to you to have the guests there, try your best to communicate with them in enough time so they can attend.
Never miss a beat: Get our daily stories straight to your inbox with theGrio’s newsletter.