“There’s nothing certain in life but death, taxes and wypipo-ing.” As Michael Harriot wraps up The Wypipo Awards he touches on categories including “The Whitest Thing That Happened This Year,” “The Crime of the Year” and actress Paula Patton’s unseasoned fried chicken also gets an honorable mention. TheGrio Daily is an original podcast by theGrio Black Podcast Network. #BlackCultureAmplified
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Michael Harriot [00:00:05] Welcome back to theGrio Daily. Of course, we’re still honoring the best or the worst and whitest acts of 2022 with the Wypipo Awards. Let’s get back into it now before we get to our last category. I want to acknowledge the people who also won awards in a ceremony held earlier because, you know, we can’t televise all of the like the technical awards, like the White Person Who had the Most Unseasoned Dish. Actually, that went to a Black woman this year. It was Paula, you know, she or chicken recipe from her momma. But, you know, instead of like televising all of these technical and less less celebratory awards, we just going to run through the people who won awards in a ceremony held early. The Whitest Thing that Happened this Year, The National Screening of the Sprint by Josh Hawley During the January 6 Insurrection. The Crime of the Year, Greg Abbott and Ron DeSantis Government Sanctioned Human Trafficking Cartel Experiment. The Word of the Year, Woke. Outrage of the Year, People Who Were Pissing Mad about Will Smith Slapping Chris Rock, But tThey Kind of Cool with Police Brutality. The White Fictional Character of the Year, Elon Musk – Genius. The Black Fictional Character of the Year, The Version of Martin Luther King Who Didn’t Believe America was a Racist Country.
Michael Harriot [00:01:53] And finally, as we do every year, we select one special wypipo for the contributions over a span of time. And this year, we are honor with our Lifetime Achievement Award, White Jesus. Let’s look at some of Jesus’ accomplishments throughout his life. Perhaps no one in the history of the world has contributed more to whiteness than the sandy haired deity with rock hard abs and blue eyes known as white Jesus. Not to be confused with Yeshua ben Yosef. The Caucasian Christ resume reflects the triumph of wypipo-ing on the highest level. White Jesus was born to Mary and Joseph Christ on December 25th, 0000 in a Holiday Inn manger. While he was still in the bodyguard maternity ward three wise men traveled to Bethlehem to throw him a baby shower instead of giving him a gift certificate to Oshkosh. The ancient versions of Elon Musk, Donald Trump and Nick Saban showered white Jesus with gold, frankincense and myrrh. No, I have no idea what frankincense and myrrh is, but everybody knows what gold is. And this was the first documented evidence of white privilege. DNA tests would later show that White Jesus was actually the son of a real estate developer with the nice beard name God who had just gentrified Earth more than a thousand years earlier. Jesus attended a private school and he interned at Joseph’s tech startup. Carpentry was a very advanced industry in the early zero zeros.
Michael Harriot [00:04:01] Then Jesus gained admission to one of Nazareth’s most exclusive institutions of higher learning. But instead of graduating, white Jesus decided to go work for his real daddy, recruiting investors for a multilevel marketing corporation called White Christianity. Now, this Christianity was already in Africa, but white Christianity spread across Europe and along with 12 salesmen who earned the title of disciples. Jesus preached an early version of the prosperity gospel, now known as capitalism. For less than 10% of their income, Christians could eventually purchase a lifetime timeshare in a high end development where the streets were paved with gold. And although Jesus was eventually killed by big government at a young age of 33, his make believe legacy includes; Blessing Christopher Columbus voyage to America, endowing white men with the exclusive rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, writing a constitution for a Christian nation without even mentioning Christianity in the whole thing, funding the human trafficking system that became America’s most lucrative, constitutional and race based unpaid workforce now known as slavery, Manifest Destiny, the macro gentrification initiative that included the genocide of Native Americans and the theft of their land. Jesus served as the justification for the Crusades, for white supremacy, for lynching, for separate but equal in “segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”
Michael Harriot [00:05:56] Jesus decided the gender of every human ever born. The fate of every vagina and the validity of every sexual relationship. White Jesus is the first deity to be honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award and wypipo-ing because the actual Jesus was underqualified. I mean, everybody knows real Jesus wasn’t white, but his ineligibility had nothing to do with his race or ethnicity. When we look into the life of the real Jesus, we found a transcript from a legal deposition of real Jesus spreading unpatriotic, anti-American woke message. And this is what he said. “And then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked Jesus a question tempting him and saying, master, which is the great commandment in the law. And Jesus said unto them. ‘Thou shalt love the Lord that God with all my heart and with all of my soul and with all of my mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is. ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself or these two commandments hang all the law. And all of the profits.'” After reading this, Jesus was immediately disqualified from all future a workers salvation. White people would never believe in something like that.
Michael Harriot [00:07:30] Thank you for coming to the 2022 Wypipo Awards. We’ll see you next year. Actually, we’ll see you, like on the next episode of the podcast. And as always, we’ll leave you with the Black saying. And today’s Black saying is, “There’s nothing certain in life but death, taxes and wypipo-ing. We’ll see you next time on theGrio Daily. If you like what you heard, please give us a five star review. Download theGrio app, subscribe to the show and share it with everyone you know. Please email all questions, suggestions and compliments to podcasts at theGrio AECOM. You are now listening to theGrio’s Black Podcast network. Black Culture Amplified.