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“You can’t keep a Black person out of any place.” Michael Harriot brings the laughs with his list of people you’re bound to run into at every Black gathering. Which one are you?
Full Transcript Below:
Announcer [00:00:00] You are now listening to theGrio’s Black Podcast Network, Black Culture Amplified.
Michael Harriot [00:00:05] At the beginning of most journeys, there are a few questions that need to be answered. Where are we going? How will we get there? How long will it take? And then, of course, there’s the most important question of all. And that’s why I want to welcome you to theGrio Daily, the only podcast that will tell you who all going to be there. Yeah, I’m sure everybody listening, if you’re Black, has heard that question before, whether it is a party or a cookout or a friend’s house. You have to know who all gonna be there. Well, first of all, there is a very good reason why we ask that question, because back in 1829, now, I’m just kidding, like, I’m not going to go into a history lesson this time. But the reason we want to know that is because, first of all, if you’re Black, there are a lot of places that you can go that are detrimental to your health, to your well-being, to your existence. If you ask who are going to be there and somebody says, the police, you ain’t going. If somebody says it’s going to be mostly white people, you have to at least prepare yourself to be the Black person at the pla ce. And so who are going to be there is a very important question.
Michael Harriot [00:01:31] Well, I have put together a list of the top ten people who are most likely to be there. Number ten is a white girl. Like a white girl is always going to be there. You can go to the club, a wedding shoot if you were in Seattle, in the NAACP, Rachel Dolezal was there. A white girl is always going to be in the house. You should know that a white girl is always going to be there when you prepare to go. Number nine is the outfit wearer. You know that there are some people who have a specific outfit for every event. If you go to church, there’s going to be a lady who picked out that wide-brimmed hat is not a cowboy hat, you know, a church hat. Even if it is a regular church service, it’s going to be somebody dressed to the nines is going to be a dude who’s wearing some Stacy Adams. Somebody is going to be to wear hard bottoms. You could just count on that. If it’s homecoming, somebody is going to have a homecoming outfit that was laid on the edge of the bed. It was ironed like four or five times. People were outfits are always going to be wherever you go. Number eight is the person who is always late. I’m sorry, but a lot of times I am that person. If it was supposed to start at 9:00, I’m getting there about 9:14. On average, I’ve timed myself, aggregated them and divide it. You know how to do math. But this always going to be somebody who the festivities or the activities depend on, but they’re just a little bit late, you know. And it was because of traffic and they’re going to always call you right before they get there and say, “I’m pulling up now.” And when they say “I’m pulling up now,” you still have about 8 minutes and 42 seconds, again I’ve done the math, before they arrive. So the late person is always going to be there.
Michael Harriot [00:03:24] Number seven is somebody who’s too old to be there. I don’t care where you go some if it’s the club, it’s a 57-year-old dude who’s trying to buy you a drink. He’s also usually an outfit wearer because he has, you know, a matching pants and top. If it’s a woman, she’s definitely going to have either a leather skirt or leather pants or maybe a leopard skin print top. If it’s church, that’s a lady who was on the sick and shut-in list this cause and she got an oxygen tank, she could sit her prayers in from a home, but she got to be a church, you know, misspoke. So somebody who’s too old to be there is always there. Even if you go to a daycare center, it’s always like a nine-year-old at the baby daycare center who, you know, his parents dropped him off. So somebody who’s too old to be there is going to be there. And then there’s the person who snuck in.
Michael Harriot [00:04:19] I blame number six on Harriet Tubman. Black people, we are professional get-iners. We can get in any place where you can’t keep a Black person out of any place, whether it is a Beyoncé concert, somebody’s going to sneak in. Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with how much it cost to get in or the entry fee. Sometimes it’s just, you know, people nosey. You could have a family meeting and one of your neighbors or somebody who ain’t even no kin to you is going to be there. So there’s somebody who’s not supposed to be there that’s always there. I sneak into cookouts all the time, so I am part of this contingent, too.
Michael Harriot [00:05:01] Number five is the person you didn’t want to be there. There’s always going to be somebody you didn’t want to see at any place you go. It could be one of your exes who you had a bad breakup with, and they’re going to be there having a good time with their new partner. Don’t feel bad. It’s everywhere you go. There’s somebody who you didn’t want to see. Even if you go to the drugstore to get some birth control, your past is going to be in line right behind you. If you snuck out and went to a place that you weren’t supposed to go. One of your mama friends is going to be there’s going to be somebody you didn’t want to see, you got to prepare for it.
Michael Harriot [00:05:38] Number four is Jesus. Jesus is always there. Now we know that Jesus, or God, is everywhere. But what I’m talking about is the person that brings a little bit of religion is a little bit too churchy there. I went to a baby shower last week and a prophetess was there. Or she may be a deaconess. I don’t know her actual rank. We had to wait for her to pray over her expecting mother’s stomach because you know Jesus is going to be in the house. Jesus always pays the entry fee, at least, though. But he’s always there.
Michael Harriot [00:06:14] And number three is somebody you went to school with. I don’t care if it’s college, high school, but somebody you went to school with who calls you “classmate” is always going to be there. And if you didn’t go to school with them, they around your age. And the most important part of this person’s aura is that they always want you to remember when. “Remember when we we went to that place and did that thing? I know you married and you don’t drink anymore, but remember when you hooked up with that dude when we was at the club and then you threw up all over his back seat and he dropped you off and I had to come pick you up. Remember that? Remember? Remember, boy, there was a time, ooh we had a time that time.”.
Michael Harriot [00:06:55] Now the next person is kind of like that person, but not really. It’s the person you weren’t prepared to see. Now, this is different, right? If your friend invites you to her house for a dinner party and you just throw on some clothes and don’t do you hair, the person you’ve got a crush on is going to be there. I’m sorry. Like, you just got to prepare for it. That’s actually what turns people into outfit wearers because there have been so many places where they encountered a person they weren’t prepared for. And they say, Well, look, I’m gonna wear a three-piece suit and a prom dress everywhere I go. So they’re always prepared, but they’re still never prepared because even if you’re wearing a tuxedo, there’s going to be somebody there who you borrowed $40 from in 1998 and you ain’t got no cash on you because you weren’t prepared for them.
Michael Harriot [00:07:46] Number two is Mr. or Mrs. Good-time. Oh, I’m sure you know the Goodtime Girl or the good time guy. That person is the person who somehow is going to turn up no matter where you are. And and this person always have an extra layer or an extra level of turn up that you weren’t ready for. Right? Like, if you drink, this person is going to be smoking weed, like at your mama’s Thanksgiving dinner. If you smoke weed, this person going to ask you if you want some cocaine. It’s like they got a little bit too much turn up in them. And this person never wants to go home either, right? It could be 2 a.m. and you’re leaving the bachelorette party and they want to go hang out with the strippers. Oh, and Mr. and Mrs. turn up. First of all, this is the easiest way to spot Mr. and Mrs. Turn up. They’re going to want to do shots. I don’t care where you are. You could be at a Christmas party and your boss is there, you know, you’re trying to get a promotion or a raise and they gonna want to do shots, they gonna want to dance. They’re gonna to twerk. I don’t care if it’s a dude or a woman. And you’ll be like, “Hey, look, man, is this like, this is a cookout, My grandmama, I’m not going to drop it low while my grandmama was here,” but not Mr. or Mrs. Turn up. They’re going to want to get busy. If you don’t, they’re going to make you feel bad about it. “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Why are you a stick in the mud? Why are you trippin, man? And I thought we used to have a good time.” And I’m not just talking about parties or social events, right? There’s always a lady at your church who, right before they let out service, you want to testify, or she’s going to start shouting during the benediction. Look, let us go home like turn ups don’t ever want to go home. I don’t know what’s going on at the house, but they don’t never want to go home.
Michael Harriot [00:09:39] And number one on the list. And you must be prepared for this every time you go out, because this person is always, always, always going to be there. And this- somebody who has beef. There’s going to be somebody who wants to fight. Now, they might not fight. They might not even have a confrontation, but they want to and you know who this person is. I’ll give you some signs to spot this person. If somebody says why she looked at me like that, they are a beef bringer or they bought some beef with them. And if somebody whose entire conversation is about their haters, then they are the hater. Oh, they got beef. They got beef. Trust me. That’s why you got to go places by yourself. Because, you know, one of the cardinal rules of going anywhere is that if you go with somebody, you’re on they team, if they got beef, you are automatically included in that beef. That’s why if I have to say “chill out” two times, then I’m leaving because I know the beef is coming. But most importantly, the thing that you have to realize is that when you ask “Who’s going to be there?” there’s somebody there who’s asking the same thing. And their answer sometimes is you. So one of the most important parts of actually being there is figuring out which one of the people on this list that you are because you go be there.
Michael Harriot [00:11:10] And that’s why you have to decide that if you gonna be there, you might as well have a good time. You might as well enjoy yourself. You might as well get used to the fact that all ten of these people are gonna be there and so are you. And that’s why I just stay home. Or I download theGrio app. I tell my friends about this podcast, I subscribe and I always leave with a Black saying. And today’s Black saying is, “I know who all gonna be there. Black people will see you next time on theGrio Daily. If you like what you heard, please give us a five-star review. Download theGrio app, subscribe to the show and share it with everyone you know. Please email all questions, suggestions, and compliments to podcast@theGrio dot com.
Announcer [00:12:02] You are now listening to theGrio’s Black Podcast Network Black Culture Amplified.
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