I liked Nathan from the moment he and his Southern drawl hopped into Issaâs party Lyft.
I was over him when he got ghost. Then forgave him when he came back with the clutch block party plug. Since his debut in season 3, something about Nathanâs character has seemed sweet and genuine. He smiles at Issa when he talks to her. He looks her in her eye. And when she needs somethingâwhether it be to handle a rude passenger in the back of her party Lyft or to show her a good time on a ferris wheelâheâs there.
So when he disappeared on her, I was one of the viewers who felt duped by him. But in Sundayâs episode of Insecure, we learned that Nathan was actually struggling with mental health issues during the time he ghosted Issa. This realization reminded me how commonplace it is for us, as a society, to forget that Black men go through mental and emotional challenges too.
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Itâs so easy for us to look at Black men (like our beloved Nathan) and their strong demeanors and dismiss the idea that they could actually be struggling with anxiety, depression, or even grief. But they are human. And in many ways, we donât give them room to be. Something as simple as not believing Black men when they express that theyâre going through something stressful can be an example of how we contribute to a culture that forgets that they have mental health needs too.
Why Is It So Easy to Disbelieve the Mental Health Concerns of Black Men?
Iâll be the first to admit that I was ready to give Nathan the “why you always lyin” song and dance last season when he came to Issa with the apology flowers. I didnât actually believe that mental health was the real reason for his disappearance until Andrew confirmed it on Sundayâs episode.
Kendrick Sampson is pictured in a screenshot of “Insecure.”
Yet, with his own words, out of his own mouth, Nathan had already shared that he struggled with mental health. He didnât use some fancy clinical terminology. Didnât wave an oversized banner to share the news. And he didn’t bring a slip from a therapist as proof. But in so many words, he let Issa know. Still, it didnât register for many of us (or Issa for that matter) that the struggle was real. Why?
Possibly because in societyâs unspoken hierarchy of acceptable behaviors from Black men, tending to their feelings and emotions is at the bottom. Weâd much more readily accept that they were just up to no good. Itâs an easier narrative. But we all have to do better. One of the ways we can do better is to pay attention to their signs of distress.
How Do Black Men Let Us Know Theyâre Struggling?
Dr. Mark Bolden, an assistant professor of counseling at Bowie State University, explained that behavior can be a big indicator of a mental health struggle. He shared that oftentimes mental health issues, like anxiety and depression, can show up in the form of changes in behavioral patterns, increased irritability or impatience, and anger.
Ronnie Sidney II, another black male therapist, echoed similar sentiments. In his fourteen years of counseling, Sidney has observed these same behaviors in his own clients.
âIâve learned that men generally express depression or sadness through anger because itâs more socially acceptable,â he said. âBlack menâs ability to show vulnerability is often constricted by their social norms or environment.â
We have to start creating social norms and environments that allow Black men the freedom to express themselves and work through their challenges. There have to be affirming spaces where Black men can go when theyâre trying to heal. When these spaces are not readily identifiable, itâs easy to see why the “Nathans” among us sometimes turn to seclusion as an alternative. Something as simple as how we respond to their behavior can signal a welcoming, safe space for themâor not.
(Photo: HBO)
Last season, Nathan stumbled over phrases like âSometimes… I get really down and kinda negative,â and âI just canât talk to people sometimes,â when trying to explain his absence to Issa. He flat out said, âI was just dealing with a lot of sh*t.â He didnât say, “I was depressed” or “I needed a mental health break.” But roughly translated, thatâs what he meant. Those were serious words.
Issaâs response to this vulnerable, honest expression from Nathan was, âSo you ghosted me…because you were in a bad mood?â Ouch! Depression is not simply a bad mood. Nathan doesnât get a pass for failing to communicate that he needed spaceâthatâs on himâbut to call depression a bad mood is code for, “I donât think your problems are all that serious.” Who wants to open up to someone after being met with that kind of response?
How Can We Help Change the Social Norms Around Black Men & Mental Health?
The things we communicate to Black men matter. We can ask for them to open up to us all day, but if our actions donât support what we are saying (that this is a safe space), it may not be effective. Sidney shared that when trying to support Black men through mental health challenges, it can be most effective when we donât personalize the actions of someone battling a mental health challenge.
âDonât make the issue about you,â he said. âMental health issues are related to chemical imbalances and mood disorders that are independent of individuals.â
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Dr. Bolden shared that our words can be powerful tools to help us create welcoming spaces for black men. âValidating that experience of mental illness by believing the person and listening to them and not placing undue pressure on them is really supportive,â he shared. âSimple statements of belief and reminders that youâre not going anywhere or leaving can alleviate fears of negative outcomes due to the mental illness.â
Both Sidney and Dr. Bolden agree that Black men secluding themselves for long periods of time is not healthy. Some healthier solutions include daily stress-reducing activities, like physical activity, meditation, and yoga, Dr. Bolden suggested. Sidney added that therapy can be a helpful tool for working through issues as well.
Kendrick Sampson, Robin Thede, Natasha Rothwell, Issa Rae, Yvonne Orji and Prentice Penny at the Insecure FYC at the Wolf Theater at Saban Media Center Television Academy on May 28, 2019 in Los Angeles, CA. (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic For HBO)
âMy job [as a therapist] is to help the client discover the solution to their own issue,â he shared. All of these options can serve as alternatives to seclusion as Black men work to create new social norms on their end.
As a society, we have to be better about creating new social norms around Black men and mental health as well. âCreating a safe space where Black men are valued and given opportunities to express their vulnerabilities is key,â Sidney emphasized. âThere arenât many spaces that provide an appropriate outlet for Black men to heal themselves. Society focuses more on punishing Black men than healing them.â
I donât have the solution to how we change the larger societal problems facing Black men and their mental health, but I do believe that one actionable step we all can take is to be more welcoming to the mental health needs of the Black men in our lives. Even as Black men are forced to see reflections of themselves die inhumane deaths through the graphic images of the Ahmaud Arberys and George Floyds of our world, they are still the last ones to be invited to sit at the mental health table with the rest of us. We have to do better.
Nathanâs story on Insecure reminds us that Black men go through the ups and downs of life just like everyone. The added stressors of racism donât make that any easier. Just as Black women need safe spaces to unpack our burdens, so do Black men. We need their support, and they need ours. If each of us plays a part in normalizing new attitudes and practices surrounding Black men and mental health, all of us win.
