An exclusive interview on the Montgomery Melee with Black ancestors
OPINION: A group of ancestors representing the participants in the skirmish now known as the “Rebellion on the Riverfront” sat down with theGrio to discuss the historic event.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
(South Central Heaven, Paradise) — On Sunday morning, theGrio began receiving preliminary reports that the secret naval unit of Black America had been dispatched to Riverfront Park in Montgomery, Ala. The unit was responding to a skirmish that the Montgomery Advertiser would later describe as “racially divided,” after a dockworker asked pontoon boaters to move out of a reserved spot.
After our White Nonsense CSI unit completed a forensic analysis of numerous social media videos from the Black Twitter News Network, our Caucasian Stupidity Investigation team received word that a group of organizations representing many of the stakeholders and participants had contacted with theGrio’s Senior Ancestral Correspondent Michael Harriot for an exclusive interview. To ensure we wouldn’t take their words and sentiments out of context, the coalition of ancestors required that we share the full interview in its entirety.
Participants included:
- Harriet Tubman: the former military spy now serves as the chief intelligence officer of the Black Liberation Army Corps Kicking Caucasians In the Ass (BLACK CIA)
- Yemonja Oshun Jackson: the original mermaid known as “the mother of all Orishas,” Yemonja is also the founder and president of the Daughters of the African American Revolution (DAAR).
- BLACKPOLICE Union spokesperson Hannibal Barca: the former African military commander is the spokesperson for the Brotherhood Looking from the Afterlife at Caucasians Keeping People Oppressed Like It’s the Confederate Era (BLACKPOLICE)
- Jesus: Dean of Admissions and Interim Director of Communications. He mostly just sighed a lot.
The following is a transcript of the interview:
theGrio: First, I want to thank you for trusting me to share your thoughts with the world. We couldn’t get a direct flight, so we appreciate you for allowing us to use your videoconferencing platform. The video resolution is great. Is this 4K?
Jesus: It’s actually 64K. We’ve been working on this technology since people started calling me on the mainline to tell me what they want. It’s mostly people just asking for money, love or a miracle so it’s nice to be able to talk about something else. I considered sharing this technology with Earth, but I ultimately decided against it.
theGrio: Were you afraid that we’d stop communicating in person or how it would impact personal relationships?
Jesus: Not really. After I saw Tucker Carlson sit down with Ice Cube, I said: “Daddy, they ain’t ready.” But I’ve said too much. Let’s get to the matter at hand. I just want you to know that I was very disturbed by the events of this weekend. While my fellow afterlife residents may think it’s funny, I cannot condone violence in any form.
theGrio: I’ve seen the videos, but can one of you break down what happened from your perspective?
Hannibal Barca: Yes. Around 7 p.m. on Saturday, we received an anonymous tip from an undercover officer stationed at the Harriott II (no relation) Riverboat, alerting us to white shenanigans. Usually, we like to deal with most shenanigans, hijinks and unmemalated antics in-house. But whenever we encounter white people hanging around boats, as Black ancestors, we like to take a closer look, so we called in Special Agent Harriet Tubman.
theGrio: Miss Tubman, it’s a pleasure to meet you. How did you know that the white people were up to something? Historians say you often had “visions.” Are you gifted with the ability to see the future or was it just women’s intuition? I always suspected that you had supernatural abilities. It was Black Girl Magic, wasn’t it?
Harriet Tubman: Nah, I’m just Black. Because our lives depend on knowing when white people are about to white people, we know them better than they know themselves. Even though most people are familiar with my Underground Railroad work, I actually led more Black people to freedom on rivers than I did on land. I don’t want to brag, but I kinda pioneered riverboat-related rescue missions. When Hannibal showed me a few screenshots from Jesus’ surveillance system, I immediately knew that some white nonsense was about to go down and jumped into action.
theGrio: Wait … you guys built a surveillance system?
Hannibal Nah, y’all built it. It’s called cell phones. As the scriptures say, he sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.
Jesus: (sigh) Actually, that’s not in my book, Hannibal.
Hannibal: I’m not a big Christian, but I’m pretty sure it is.
Look, I don’t believe in racial profiling, but when we analyzed six centuries of data, we learned that you can accurately predict the behavior of American whites by looking at their shirtsleeves. Why do you think they call those shirts “wifebeaters?”
When I saw screenshots of more than two white men with their shirts off, I immediately knew those white folks were up to no good. You generally want to keep an eye on any white man in a sleeveless shirt. As you may know, a pontoon boat white is the most dangerous kind of white. It’s right up there with the whites who affix confederate flags on their pickup truck antennas. In my experience, you’d rather run into a racist great white shark than encounter a barechested Caucasian driving a hillbilly yacht.
I alerted Jesus to the Charge of the White Brigade but it was his day off. I was so concerned, I did something I’d never done — I asked to speak to his manager. When I met with Yemonja to see if she had some officers in the area, she told me not to worry.
theGrio: Wait, Yemonja, you’re Jesus’ supervisor?
Yemonja Jackson: Of course I am. It may surprise you to see a woman in heaven’s executive suite but this ain’t Earth. We don’t discriminate up here. I’m an actual God. Who do you think taught him how to walk on water? His daddy? Please! It took him two whole days to separate the oceans from dry land. I could’ve done that on my lunch break.
Anyway, Hannibal came up in my office alarmed, and I was like: “I already know. I got the hat signal.”
theGrio: The hat signal?
Yemonja: Yes. I’m an African goddess, and the dockworker was one of our undercover agents. This whole slavery thing started with “boat tours,” so we have to remain vigilant. We gathered around the video screen because we knew it was gonna be good when they got to fighting. As the scriptures say, if you stay ready, you won’t have to get ready.
Jesus: Again, not a scripture. I really don’t think we should be promoting violence.
Yemonja: Pretty sure it’s in Paul’s Second Letter to the First Cousins. Regardless, our agent didn’t blow his cover as a certified uncle. If you know anything about the culture, whether it’s a Kangol, a fedora or Yankee fitted, a hat is an uncle’s prized possession. If you notice, that hat never returned to earth. He wasn’t just throwing his headwear in the air; he was summoning the ancestors to let them know he was about to get to fighting.
When we received the Black bat signal — the hat signal if you will — we immediately called in Seal Team Se’mm.
theGrio: Seal Team Seven?
Yemonja: It’s Se’mm, which is the Black number that follows six. I thought about sending in Seal Team Le’mm but that would’ve been too much. I just wanted to help out. I’ve always loved that song “Gonna lay down some white folks, down by the riverside.”
Jesus: It’s “lay down my burdens,” not “white folk.”
Yemonja: Same thing.
By the way, if you saw the heroic warrior who swam in to help out, that was my nephew, 16-year-old Aaren. We’ve been secretly training him ever since white folks refused to believe that Black mermaids exist. I wanted to hook him up with Ariel, but after she started dating a white boy, I enrolled him in the Seal Team Se’mm youth program. When he got to fighting he made me so proud. But I had no idea that Hannibal had also dispatched the SWAT team.
theGrio: There was an armed special weapons and tactics team on the scene.?
Hannibal: No. SWAT means something different here. They were just some folks ready to swat some white folks with chairs when everyone got to fighting. Now I gotta give credit to white folks for that one. When a brother named Nathaniel Alexander invented the folding chair, he just wanted to use it in church. But I never knew it could be used as a weapon until I started watching wrestling. You know how they do. Whether it’s atomic energy, Black history or folding chairs, they will figure out how to weaponize anything.
Our internal investigation found that the dockworker was simply standing his ground when he was attacked by suspects who refused to obey a lawful command. When other officers arrived on the scene, our officers noticed that the suspects were gang affiliated.
theGrio: Why do you say they were gang affiliated?
Yemanja: We noticed the reddish hue of the suspects’ necks, which is a commonly known characteristic of people who participate in mob violence. Had the Capitol Police Force in Washington, D.C., taken our advice to examine the necks of rallygoers on Jan. 6, they may have prevented an insurrection. Even when they got to fighting, our officers used appropriate force considering they feared for their lives.
theGrio: Why does everyone keep saying they “got to fighting”? Is it a word like “se’mm?”
Hannibal: No sir. Anyone can fight, but in Montgomery and the surrounding areas, people who “get to fighting” are trained in a specific martial arts technique that was pioneered in the Alabama Black Belt. It’s related to the Bronx-based martial art known as “shooting a fair one.” In Georgia, it’s called “knucking,” but lessons are only available to those who are deemed to be “buck.”
Only our most experienced officers are allowed to work in Alabama.
theGrio: Because it’s so violent?
Yemanja: No, because it’s Alabama. If the state hadn’t outlawed Black history, people might know that Montgomery was literally the capital of the white supremacist nation called the Confederate States of America. In the 12 years before the Civil War, the Montgomery probate office granted at least 164 licenses to human traffickers on the Montgomery Riverfront. And that was after the state banned free Black people from living in the state. It might seem like a long time ago, but up here, that was like yesterday.
theGrio: Is this why this incident caused so much happiness among Black people?
Jesus: I can answer that. That one’s on me. I was relaxing in the upper room, looking at some spreadsheets and decided to disaggregate the prayer requests by data and decided to grant Black people’s No. 1 desire. Contrary to popular belief, the most common prayer request among Black Americans is not for little white girls to hold hands with little Black boys.
theGrio: I bet it’s to end white supremacy. No … it’s probably for equality. Or justice? No, I bet it’s to be afforded all of their rights as an American. Am I close?
Jesus: Well, if you’re talking about formal prayer requests, maybe. But remember, I hear everything. And among Black Americans, I’ve been getting the same phrase for about 400 years:
“I wish a motherf–er would.”
I just decided to conduct a controlled experiment to see what would happen if white people had accepted more of my teachings.
theGrio: And what did you find out?
Yemonja: Exactly what I said would happen. Look, nepo baby Jesus is young and still learning. But when you’ve been around as long as I have, you can easily anticipate what’s going to happen. Historically, white people are accustomed to playing in Black people’s faces without repercussion. The Black people just asked themselves: “What would Jesus do?” This is exactly what he did when he was on Earth.
Jesus: It’s really not. I fed the multitude with two fish, not fists!
Harriet: I would’ve just shot them.
Jesus: Harriet! Don’t say that.
Harriett: My bad. But when the cops pulled those white folks out of the water, we kinda made them fishers of men.
Hannibal: Now, I want to be clear, our team is not racially biased. We are investigating the Lumps in the Gump with the same fervor with which we investigate all incidents of mass racial violence. We promise to dispense justice in the same manner as when Black people take white people’s rights or when we disenfranchise white Americans. We won’t whitewash the Alabama Ass-Kicking and downplay this racist event like we erase the victims of Black-on-white terrorism.
theGrio: But there’s no history of Black people committing mass racial violence against whites. It’s never ever happened.
Hannibal: Exactly. That’s why we are going to treat the Bama Beatdown like it’s police brutality or a race riot. We are awarding Aaren with a commendation for defending his community. His reps told us that he’s so happy.
Yemonja: Special medals will also be handed out to:
- The Nature Boy Ric Chair: Even though he was only afforded a single folding chair, this chairperson graciously offered his assailants the opportunity to have several seats.
- Wakanda’s Finest: We also thank the Dora Milaje for sending plainclothes members of the Dora Milaje to the scene so quickly – especially the woman in all-white, who was obviously coming from a challenge ceremony.
- Dee Sands & Dat Smoke: The Black men wearing the Class of 1975 T-shirts will each receive a certificate from the Montgomery Institute of F–cking Around & Finding Out for their display of teamwork in making the dream work.
- Ms. Bennett, who was officially not in it: One riverboat employee will receive the prestigious Medal of Minding Your Business, she walked through the melee and literally said “excuse me” to a white man who was being choked is the epitome of minding one’s business.
theGrio: What do you think will be the lasting effects of this event will be?
Yemanja: I hope it makes more Black people learn how to swim.
Hannibal: Hopefully, it will teach the people of Alabama to stop asking for government handouts like gerrymandered districts, affirmative action and welfare. Instead of looking up to criminals who are always playing the victim, maybe they should focus on violence in the white community.
Jesus: I have no idea. I haven’t been to Alabama since they bombed my house 60 years ago. And I know what you’re thinking, but this wasn’t payback. I let bygones be bygones.
Harriet: As the only person here who actually lived with Black Americans, you have to understand what was going on. Imagine what it’s like to live in the capital of white supremacy, where your history has been erased, your political capital has been stolen and your people have been ignored for 400 years. Then one day, while you’re living in a country that has disrespected your people in every imaginable way, you start scrolling through social media posts on a platform filled with people who disrespect you in every way and get to witness some white people receiving a microscopic dose of their own medicine.
Black people are not celebrating violence or pain. They were witnessing a miracle. It was like when Jesus healed the sick or when Hannibal marched those elephants over the Alps. For a few seconds, they actually witnessed justice and equality. For Black people in America, that’s rarer than turning water into Crown Royal!
No disrespect, but maybe you’ve been sitting on God’s right hand so long that you forgot that they are still waiting for them to beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. All we have are these brief moments of joy. Let them have it!
theGrio: That’s a very good point, sister Tubman. Final question: Have you had any pushback from the white ancestral community in heaven?
Jesus: I guess we’ll find out when one of them makes it up here.
Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released in September.
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