If you want to sleep with your partner in your mama’s house during the holidays, start the talking now
If Mom says “yes” to sharing a bed with your significant other, keep it PG. “Make sure nothing is heard. Don't just throw it in their face.”
When he was in his early 20s almost two decades ago, Panama Jackson, a columnist at theGrio, took his then-girlfriend home to his native Alabama. His parents were thrilled to meet the lady in his life, but the couple did not share a room during the visit.
“They didn’t really even have to say anything, honestly,” Jackson recalled, noting he automatically knew the couple would sleep apart. “I know the Black House Rules: unless you’re married (or there are extenuating circumstances), you stay in separate rooms to not bring sin and disgrace upon your parent’s home.”
It’s one thing for adult children to bring their partner home for the holidays, but it becomes something else entirely when they desire to share a room, especially for Black families. Whether religious or cultural (in some regions, married couples don’t even share a bed), the topic is hotly debated. As Black families throughout the country begin their holiday planning and the inevitable question of “Can we share a room?” arises from adult children with partners, theGrio sat down with a family therapist, parents, and an adult child to discuss how families can navigate the dynamic this holiday season.
Dr. Ashley Claiborne, a psychologist based in Los Angeles, said it’s worth considering why an adult child would want to bring their significant other home in the first place.
“During the holidays, you definitely want your significant other to get a good sense of how it is to be around your family, and to be in your childhood home, and wake up there and go to sleep there,” she said. “So it makes sense that you would want that for your partner.”
However, she advised, “Know your audience because parents in our community are usually kind of old school.”
Claiborne stressed that adult children should make sure they do ask in advance. She does not advise just showing up and expecting a specific arrangement, especially if you know how elders feel about unmarried couples sharing a room.
She said, “Try to come from a very respectful and understanding place. Putting your parents or family as the people that are in charge of their own space because you’re coming into their space.”
She added, “And being OK with them saying no.”
However, she also notes that any parents who get posed with the question from their children should consider it a sign of respect.
“Their child is trying to be respectful of their house, and that’s why they’re asking them in the first place,” she said. “So taking that into account and seeing if they’re able to put any negative feelings aside and just being open to seeing how it goes.”
Dr. Claiborne said that just because a parent says “yes” at first doesn’t mean they can’t reserve the right to reconsider at any point before or even throughout the visit.
“We can make a change at any time,” she said.
If a child receives “a yes,” Dr. Claiborne urges them to keep things PG, even behind closed doors.
“Make sure nothing is heard. Don’t just throw it in their face. Still, respect the whole space in general unless your family is OK with a lot of PDA,” she said.
The family and relationship therapist also noted some factors that might work more in an adult child’s favor, including how well the family knows the partner already, the extent of the relationship, and potentially if the couple has children.
In his early 30s, after he and his partner already had a child together, Jackson recalls a visit home going much differently with his parents.
“They didn’t say anything, and I didn’t ask,” he said. “We just put all our stuff in one room and voilà — magic.”
He added, “Had they said something, I may have been compelled to try separate rooms. But I might have just got a hotel room.”
Other parents may consider age. While 18 is the legal age for adulthood, it’s still two years from leaving the teenage years behind.
Marie McKinley, a Mississippi-based mom, said she received two requests from her adult child and was put off by the child only being 18 at the time.
“In terms of defining adult, 21 seems a bit more feasible for the asking for me. I was really a bit more irritated by the request because she wasn’t 21,” she said.
McKinley also had to factor in the seeming irony that she is in what some states considered a common law marriage. To that, she said her philosophy isn’t merely, “Do as I say, not as I do,” but “Learn from my wisdom.”
“Not that we were making really bad decisions,” McKinley said of herself and her contemporaries. “But we just didn’t always make the best decisions. So, there was always this intense need to protect her from making decisions that I saw us making in the past.”
Now the father of a 14-year-old daughter and three younger sons, Jackson said he doesn’t know how he will feel should he be on the receiving end of the request. He said, “I’m inclined to default to historical Black precedent, though.”
“So, bringing some girlfriend up in our house and then thinking they’ll share a bed in this Godly space? Probably not going to happen,” he added. “The horny heathens will just have to wait until they get home, or at least not at my home.”
Still, whether it’s the adult child or the parent considering a change to their rule, Dr. Claiborne advised, “Remember, the holidays are short. It’s really just a few days. You don’t have to think of it as you’re going back on your hard-core values or anything of that nature. It’s really just a few days.”
Kay Wicker is a lifestyle writer for theGrio covering health, wellness, travel, beauty, fashion, and the myriad ways Black people live and enjoy their lives. She has previously created content for magazines, newspapers, and digital brands.
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