When, Tareasa Johnson, better known as “Reesa Teesa,” opened her 52-part viral TikTok series “Who TF Did I Marry,” she was quick to hold herself accountable. She freely admitted that falling for the lies of her ex-husband, “Legion” was “stupid.” She also said something deeply relatable to many: “I thought it was my season.”
Meanwhile, during the sixth-season finale of Netflix’s hit reality dating series “Love is Blind,” castmember Amber Desiree “AD” Smith also strikingly blew past glaring red flags, saying something similar to Reesa Teesa after being jilted at the altar by her partner Clay Gravesande.
“I just am waiting for it to be my turn,” she said after her story came to an emotional end.
Neither of these women is alone in foregoing logic to dive head-first into what one thinks is a season of love and, hopefully, joy.
“A lot of people carry this desire to be accepted,” Marisa Padilla, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in California, told theGrio. “Even when there are aspects of relationships that are really problematic, or there are red flags, we might focus on the parts of the relationship that feel good.”
Padilla, who founded Illuminated Life Therapy, said many who find themselves in dead-end relationships full of red flags may also be struggling to recognize what they truly deserve in life.
“That’s a tough narrative to be holding on to. I work with a lot of clients to create a narrative that is a lot more empowering,” Padilla explained.
Whether working from a scarcity mindset, a lack of self-confidence, or the desire to meet certain societal milestones, there are many elements that can be at play in keeping someone from acknowledging when a relationship, especially a marriage, isn’t healthy.
Houston-based licensed marriage and family therapist Beverley Andre told theGrio that, for starters, society places a lot of emphasis on marriage.
“Universally, [marriage] is seen as something of value,” Andre explained. “No matter the religion, no matter the culture, a lot of people just see marriage as the first institution.”
She added that many also view marriage as an “exclusive club” where you can only experience certain things, like taking an epic getaway to Paris, once you’re in one. Andre said that perspective is “one of the saddest parts of how people show marriage.”
Her advice to anyone putting off living their most fulfilled life until marriage is: “Don’t stop living. Keep living. You don’t need to stop existing just because you don’t have a partner.”
Beyond society’s emphasis on marriage, Andre said part of what fuels bad marriages comes from a specific aspect of Black culture.
“Now, where the conversation gets a little dicey is who is of value,” she noted. “If you think about heterosexual relationships, where Black women fall on that totem pole is on the bottom, because you have the European standard of white women, quote-unquote, being the most desirable.”
She’s not wrong. For years, studies have shown Black women rank low on dating apps, which reflects the world’s broader view of who is desirable. Navigating these societal hurdles in dating can leave many Black women with what’s known as a scarcity mindset, making some more vulnerable to accepting more red flags than what’s reasonable. However, with the right priorities, this could potentially be avoided.
“I think a lot of how people get into these situations is not connecting with themselves, not really being sure of what they want, not knowing what they deserve,” Kira Seale, a life coach based in New York, told theGrio.
Seale explained how not doing this inner work can lead some to feel lost or as though “something is missing” in life. This can cause an individual to develop a need for validation and even escapism — which they may ultimately find in the fantasy worlds often presented in toxic relationships.
She said, “Those are a lot of unfortunate symptoms of being involved in different instances that really are not aligned with who the client truly is and what they really want.”
When someone is experiencing a situation like both Teesa and Smith experienced, thinking it’s their “season,” Seale said it’s important to ask oneself a series of questions: “How do you feel right now in this moment? Do you feel like your energy is expanding? [Do] you feel safe? What is your nervous system feeling like?”
She continued, “Getting a sense of does it feel comfortable and safe and big and bold? Or are you contracting? Are you feeling small? Are you feeling stressed? Are you feeling anxious? Just really getting a grasp first on a body level because the body knows so much of what’s going on.”
Seale also noted it’s important to be clear about what “your season even means.” Getting clear on what a season of love or joy looks like for you involves separating what is being fed to you by society and what actually matters to you within your value system.
When someone arrives in a situation — be it a relationship, a new job, or something else — and they realize it’s not going to work out or that it ultimately isn’t their season, Seale said it’s important to grieve that.
“Don’t run away from those feelings of sadness or anything that might come up with realizing it’s not your season,” she said.
Getting past the grief could involve talking to a trusted friend, a therapist, a life coach, or journaling — or arguably, maybe even chronicling your story on TikTok. Ultimately, Seale said, “Turn the focus back to yourself and really just ask yourself what do I want to be now. Even if it feels like a loss of disappointment.”
When asked if Teesa could have benefited from a life coach, Seale gave a resounding “yes,” pointing back to the clear intelligence, poise, and potential Teesa has.
“She just seems like such an incredible woman,” she said. “Kind, valid, gentle, creative. Just a true storyteller. A true artist, honestly, just to have that many people engaged with what she has to say. To be so seen and vulnerable, and have all these millions of people watching and relating? Like, that’s just phenomenal.”
Kay Wicker is a lifestyle writer for theGrio covering health, wellness, travel, beauty, fashion, and the myriad ways Black people live and enjoy their lives. She has previously created content for magazines, newspapers, and digital brands.
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