The ‘Black Wife Effect’ on TikTok has some Black men in their feelings
OPINION: The ‘Black Wife Effect’ trend led to widespread discussion about the differing views Black women and Black men have about interracial dating and marriage.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
As CaShawn Thompson told us a long time ago, Black girls are magic.
This is an indisputable fact. Black girls are magic, and we make everything better. Our impact and influence are everywhere, and if you need proof of this, you just need to take a look at what trends on social media, the styles people are wearing, the dances they do and the various ways in which they alter their bodies in order to have features that mimic our natural aesthetic.
Think about Black mothers who make meals out of nothing, make homes with limited resources and transform the ordinary into something extraordinary.
That’s just who we are.
A trend that went viral on TikTok last week highlighted the ability of Black women to make anyone who is with them look good by association.
The “Black Wife Effect” is a trend where Black women or their white partners show what the white partner looked like before the Black woman entered their life versus the improved look after the Black woman came into their life.
The cutest one, by far, was the one Cameron Reid Hamilton — from “Love Is Blind” season 1 — made to honor his wife, Lauren Speed Hamilton, whom he met on the show. They are still the best thing to come out of “Love Is Blind,” but I digress.
Once the trend got going, even white women jumped in on the fun with many showing off husbands who weren’t exactly the best dressers and didn’t have their looks put together. These women asked if they also needed a Black wife to help their husbands get it together, and that was actually kind of cute.
Someone even made one with Travis Kelce to show what happens when you go from a Black woman to a white one, and that was hilarious, too.
Of course, this wouldn’t be a trend involving Black women and romantic relationships if (some) Black men didn’t get all up in their feelings about it and try to center themselves in it.
There was the one guy who wanted to complain and say that if Black men were showing off their white girlfriends, Black women would be upset. Who’s going to be the one to tell him that Black men who go out of their way to seek out white women do this anyway without provocation? Who’s going to tell him that it’s not a contest? Who’s going to tell him that he’s comparing apples to square pegs?
There was one young lad who tried to do the effect in reverse by showing himself before and after he got with a white girl, but it didn’t land quite the way he thought it would, and ultimately, he got clowned for it.
Somewhere along the way, a quote attributed to billionaire tech entrepreneur and venture capitalist Ben Horowitz began circulating, adding more fuel to the already burgeoning debate around the trend.
“Black women are for grownups,” the quote read.
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Horowitz, who happens to be married to a Black woman, was said to have made the statement years ago, but he has since come forward and denied ever saying it. (There’s something to be said here about the spread of misinformation and the lack of media literacy that goes along with making a fake quote go viral, but an astute TikTok user addressed that already.)
It doesn’t matter though. For days before Horowitz denied making the statement, people ran with it and it became yet another contentious debate between Black women and Black men about the choices both groups make when choosing mates. You had men doing their best pontificating on the issue while women corrected their assumptions and misguided angst.
This gentleman, who seems to spend an inordinate amount of his time minding Black women’s business and making videos about it, made an entire video criticizing Black women for celebrating the “Black women are for grownups” quote. He was quite upset.
Thankfully, one good sis had the time to make a video educating him on where he went wrong with his hypothesis, his research, his study and his conclusion.
Here’s the thing, Black men: We love you.
I personally don’t know any Black woman who prefers another race over Black men. That’s not to say that there aren’t Black women who have that preference; I’m sure there are.
The difference is, when Black women choose to date outside our race, we aren’t doing it to spite Black men. It’s not a “gotcha!” from us to you. It’s simply a matter of that person seeing us, loving us, and wanting us.
That’s it.
There are some Black men who act just like white people when it comes to Black women. Not only do they repeatedly denigrate us, but when they choose to date outside of the Black race, they make it a very personal dig against Black women. It’s always about why this particular brand of women is better than Black women. They weaponize dating outside of their race against Black women in an attempt to devalue us.
Meanwhile, there is an actual Pew Research study that shows Black men are twice as likely as Black women to date outside of their race, but (some of) y’all continue to act like Black women are the problem.
Some Black men only care about or pay attention to Black women when someone else is paying attention to us.
I’ll use Serena Williams as an example.
Serena was disparaged by Black men for a long time. Even as she dated some rather prominent Black men in the culture, other Black men spent their time tearing her down, saying she wasn’t attractive, and calling her manly.
Fast forward to her marrying Alexis Ohanian and starting a family, and all of a sudden Serena was betraying her race, letting Black men down and all the other ridiculous things that have been said about a woman who simply leaned into love where she found it.
The “Black Wife Effect” trend wasn’t about shaming Black men. It wasn’t about disparaging Black men. It wasn’t even saying anything like “white men or other men are better than Black men.”
It was simply saying, “Hey, look at how this guy looked before he got with me versus how he looks after we’ve been together.”
Still, Black men took that and turned it into an unnecessary internet debate — all because there are Black men who can’t stand to see Black women content and happy.
The Kevin Samuels acolytes spend all their time telling Black women how they have no value, are unwanted and undesirable and will die alone, but those same men were beating their chests and lamenting the loss of Black women as soon as that trend took off.
There are Black men who criticize Black women for being single mothers – after they have a Black man’s babies and are no longer with said Black man. No matter the circumstances, it’s always the woman who is in the wrong and never the Black man who laid up with her and planted his literal seeds in her womb.
Y’all are ridiculous.
I know I’m going to get a lot of negative feedback from y’all because of this column, even though I went to extra lengths to make sure it’s clear I’m not talking about all Black men.
Because there is a particular class of Black men who want to always feel like they are at war with Black women, that effort will go over their heads, and that’s fine.
Y’all are the very men I’m talking about.
Do better.
Ben Horowitz may not have actually said it, but the quote is still all facts.
Black women are for grownups, and some of y’all need to grow up.
Monique Judge is a storyteller, content creator and writer living in Los Angeles. She is a word nerd who is a fan of the Oxford comma, spends way too much time on Twitter, and has more graphic T-shirts than you. Follow her on Twitter @thejournalista or check her out at moniquejudge.com.
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