Ever wonder why adult friendships feel so challenging? This ‘friendship coach’ has advice
In conversation with theGrio, “friendship educator” Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of “Fighting for Our Friendships,” discusses making and maintaining adult friendships and ending one-sided ones.
Making — and keeping — friends as an adult can be daunting, especially when you are over age 30.
Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and expert, and author of “Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships,” explained how several factors can make it difficult to keep friends around.
“People are pursuing different things; they are prioritizing different things. Some of your friends start prioritizing establishing family time, others are career-focused, doubling down on that, or moving for work, and it takes us in different directions,” she told theGrio.
Jackson said the sense of isolation from such splits is more abrupt for women. She argues that women tend to be more preoccupied with societal expectations and what they should be doing; accordingly, the educator says making friends can also be “tricky” because it’s the first time they have to facilitate these moments for themselves.
“Before, it was done for you; you were told when to go to recess, you were told when to break for lunch, you went to the same parties at college, so we had dedicated time to [cultivate friendships]. But now you have to figure it out, and a lot of us realize we were never taught how to do that and we expect it to happen organically, so we are applying old scripts to a new situation — and it’s just not appropriate,” she said.
How to make friends as an adult
Jackson advises becoming a regular somewhere, adding, “That’s why you made friends in school — you clocked so many hours together. And a lot of us work remotely, and so we aren’t doing those same things.”
“Maybe you decide to commit to going to the same gym on Wednesdays at noon. ‘I’m going to commit to working from the same coffee shop on Friday morning.’ You have to be a regular somewhere because it lends itself to something called the ‘Mere Exposure Effect,’ which means we tend to prefer people because they are familiar,” she added.
The friendship expert also recommends leveraging the help of “super connectors,” who facilitate introductions at events. Jackson says don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and ask for help.
“[Ask them:] ‘Hey, I’m trying to get more plugged in, and I thought of you because you’re always out and about doing something and I was wondering if there are any events around town worth checking out or groups or things like that.’ Because you cannot expect to get the need met if you’re too embarrassed to make the need known,” she advised.
According to Jackson, another way to make friends is by leveraging technology through apps. While Jackson didn’t specify which apps are used to make friends, Bumble for Friends and platforms like Meetup are used to connect with people.
How to plan successful social dates
When asking new friends to hang out, consider putting a time limit on it. “This is my secret weapon to having a good time, and it is to put a duration on it,” Jackson explains. “You’ll know who you can do this with, but a lot of times, we’ll just say, ‘Let’s get together on Friday night, or we should go to brunch on Sunday.’ [But] for how long? Because especially for introverts, they need to know how long to charge their social battery.”
The author says that when people know from the outset how much time they’ll be spending together, they can maximize that time, adding, “I’ve also noticed people are likely to say yes when you do that.”
Getting creative is another way to plan a successful friend-hang to avoid defaulting to “autopilot with people we are familiar with.”
“…Even with your [established] friends, be aware of how much of your hangout spots are defaults of the same thing. How can you share new experiences together? Because that tends to be a bonding agent; going into something new for the first time, together, it bonds you,” she told theGrio.
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Ending a one-sided friendship
That said, according to research from Psychology Today, not all friendships are worth cultivating — and friendship is, in many ways, built on reciprocity. When one person is making more efforts to connect than the other, the friendship can become imbalanced. If that’s the case, Jackson says it’s OK to let go after evaluating the situation after reasonable efforts.
“If you have made a good attempt — I would say two times to reach out — and the person is not showing effort to match your energy and efforts, then it’s OK to let them go without villainizing them,” Jackson noted. “It doesn’t make them the bad guy; it doesn’t make them the fake friend. It means they are not interested in you, which they are allowed to be…”
Jackson also said when reaching out to people to hang out, “look for negotiation.” For instance, if you ask to hang out on a Friday and they say they are not available, a person invested in growing the friendship will typically ask if you have another day available. If they don’t make any attempts to meet, then it’s OK to move on.
What “Fighting for Our Friendships” really means
Specifically, when it comes to women-to-women relationships, there are three elements that make us feel bonded — which, according to Jackson, could potentially end the friendship if violated. These are feelings of symmetry, support and secrecy.
“Symmetry means feelings of sameness, and we view ourselves as equal,” she explains. “Support is the number one thing women look for in their same-sex friendships, so as soon as I feel like you’re not giving it to me, that’s an issue. And feelings of secrecy, so we feel like we are in a private vault together.” Jackson also notes that women prioritize those three factors more than men.
When asked what she hopes people will glean from her book on friendships, Jackson responded: “I hope it makes people more optimistic about what is possible in friendship and [dispels] all this stuff around ‘You can’t trust people these days,’ and ‘Women do this these days.’ I hope it changes people’s vision of what’s possible and equips them to know exactly what to do to be satisfied in their friendships with other women.”
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