In continuing the conversation about dads from the previous episode, Kevin “Boss” Ross talks about the stepdad he never wanted and how the relationship ultimately played out with his biological father. It’s a message more men need to have with themselves, and each other.
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You are now listening to TheGrios black podcast network, black culture amplified. Hi, I’m Kevin Ross. And this is The Podcast Dads, Fathers And Men Who Step Up part two.
On the previous podcast, I spoke about fatherhood specifically the relationship with my biological father. On this episode, I delve into an area one or two of you may be able to relate to, the dreaded unwanted stepdad.
Ok, I’ll start with my own, life for him begins in Mississippi, like my Arkansas born father, his family was also part of the second great migration that saw black people coming to Los Angeles in droves from the 1940’s to the 1970’s. Now, as was the case with my father, he too played sports in high school, track and basketball. He served in the Navy after graduating as well.
Extremely competent as an accountant, eventually, the brother worked his way up to becoming an executive Vice President and general manager for a property management company in Watts, California. And that’s where he met my mother.
She was his secretary. He was her boss who pursued her like a dog gnawing on a hard beef knuckle bone. There was just one problem, She wasn’t feeling him at all.
Smart but not college degree, tall yet, way too thin. His whole vibe was just off. He smoked Camel cigarettes without the filter. He drank too much. He couldn’t dress, uh, to save his life, despite being a lover of straight ahead jazz the cat had absolutely no rhythm. And he was a divorced father of four who was paying child support to two different women.
But here’s the thing. My mother had been struggling to raise two boys for years on a meager salary and spotty at best child support monies from my father. She was exhausted.
I remember her saying “He’s a good man. I’m going to be 40 years old and he said he’ll take care of me and my boys. Do I love him? No, but I’m tired. He asked me to marry him and I said, yes.” What?
I’m in the ninth grade, getting ready to start high school the following year. And I got to deal with this major life disrupting BS. Oh, I was hot.
So was my brother who had just finished school and had enrolled in community college. He and I were both like, it’s a no for me because we felt we were just too old to have some dude we didn’t like or respect disrupt our flow. At the time, we lived in a small three bed, two bath house and everybody had their own room. So it was like why can’t things just continue as they are?
My brother worked to help make ends meet and I was prepared to get a job even if it meant lying that I was already 16.
Hey, by any means necessary right? But no, my mother’s mind was made up. At their wedding. I’ll never forget wanting to jump up and say I object to this marriage taking place.
Of course, had I done so Moms would have given me a beat down. She didn’t play not then or now. Ok. So here I am hating that I’m forced to live in a blended family environment with a stepdad and step siblings I didn’t really know.
The Brady Bunch, it was not. I’m just saying. Yet, my stepdad did everything a man could do to let me know I was his son biological or not. Still, I wasn’t having it.
Meanwhile, through my mom’s insistence he quits smoking, gives up alcohol, he begins exercising, he expands his musical tastes, starts buying well tailored suits and quality shoes. I’m telling you a short time with my mother and this man develops, I mean, serious swagger.
When he died after the two of them stayed married for almost 30 years. I cried like a baby. And even though I would reconnect with my biological father and we shared a loving relationship before he too passed away.
He was not the man that I saw demonstrating on the daily what it is to be a dad. The nurturing, the bonding, the support in good times and bad over the long haul. My mom still misses the man she grew to love every single day.
Cut to where someone I’m close to and his wife had a college graduating party for their son recently. Now, mind you, he is not the young man’s biological father.
When the son’s name was announced at the commencement ceremony, he surprised my boy and hyphenated his name as a tribute, not to his stepdad, but to the dad that stepped up. Later when I told my guy about my own experience with my “dad”, it was one of those feel good moments that you relish.
So here’s to all the dads along with every uncle, brother, coach, pastor, teacher, mentor, all of you that have assumed a dad role in another person’s life. You are needed and appreciated. Thank you and please keep doing it.
I’m Kevin Ross and this is The Podcast powered by TheGrio. Follow me @IamBossRoss on Instagram and Twitter. Thanks for listening. See you next time.
