2023 was a banner year for WYPIPOing. But who was white enough to make the all-white all-star team? Wypipologist Michael Harriot honors the best, worst, and whitest achievements in caucasity in the annual Wypipo Awards.
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Michael Harriot: Who were the best and whitest in 2023? Who achieved levels of caucasity that you couldn’t imagine? Well, that’s why I want to welcome you to theGrio Daily and the 2023 Wypipo Awards.
I’m world famous Wypipologist, Michael Harriot, and this is theGrio Daily.
I’m Michael Harriot, host of the 2023 Wypipo Awards presented by Black people. Black people have been sponsoring this award since its inception way back in 1619. So we’d like to congratulate Black people on 403 years of great support. You know, we skipped a year during reconstruction, but we won’t talk about that now. But we want to thank you for joining us. First of all, of course, we always explain what the Wypipo Awards are about. And, of course, you know, this is just an award to celebrate whiteness.
There are very few times when we get to honor Wypipo, aside from the Grammys, Oscars, Tonys, Emmys, Golden Globes, Nobel Prize, you know, regular stuff. But most of those awards are not exclusively for Wypipo . You know, sometimes, you know, every now and then, every 10 years or so, they’ll let Black people or a Black person slip in and this award is different, although we did have to change the rules a little bit this year because you know, of the affirmative action ruling.
So you will see that the awards will display a little bit more diversity this year. You know, I’d also like to thank the Wypipo Awards for inviting me back to host. I don’t know why they invited me back again, you know, it was quite a last minute thing. Some guy
named Katt Williams was supposed to host, but there was some kind of controversy.
And then, you know, they called me up and I was glad to host. But you know what? Let’s not delay. Let’s get right into the award. And of course we always open with, the first award for Worst New Wypipo . This is the award, not for a new white person because we don’t celebrate babies, but this is for a white person who just, you know, popped up on the scene in 2023 and the nominees are House Republican leader, Mike Johnson, Presidential Candidate Vivek Ramaswamy, Harlan Crow, House first term Congressman, J. D. Vance And the winner is Bill Maher. While theGrio can verify that the host of HBO’s Real Time has been classified as a person of no color for most of his life. In 2023, Maher transformed himself into one of the whitest Wypipo on late night premium cable television. First of all, he fully embraced his caucasity by railing about the Black National Anthem. You can hear it here.
Bill Maher: This season, the NFL has added Lift Every Voice and Sing, commonly known as the Black National Anthem, to the Star Spangled Banner before games. And two weeks ago, I opined that it was fine to get rid of the old anthem. We just shouldn’t have two. Now, if you watch this show for opinions and you want to know what the correct opinion on the anthem is ,that’s it.
The old Bill Maher thought it was okay to talk about field slave and house n-words but this year he went on Joe Rogan and said that his goal was to not see race at all anywhere for any reason. And to be fair, theGrio thought about honoring someone else for pronouncing the hard R when they used the n-word, but ultimately we really couldn’t decide between Joe Rogan and Bill Maher.
So we just decided to flip a coin and give it to Bill Maher. So congratulations to Bill Maher for The Worst New Wypipo of 2023. Bill Maher couldn’t be here today because he was probably somewhere doing something real white. So I accept this award in his honor. The next award is the White Tears Award.
Our first nominee is the White National Anthem. In 2023, Wypipo broke into hissy fits when they discovered that the Black National Anthem would be sung at NFL games. Our second nominee is Prescription Prejudice, and perhaps the whitest apology since Roseanne Barr blamed a racist insult on Ambien, children’s author Kate Corrain said her psych meds turned her into a bigot and made her go on websites and disparage Black authors.
Our third nominee is Skip Bayless. Y’all know Skip Bayless from, you know, wherever Wypipo are watching sports. But this year he gave us a tearful apology for wondering why the NFL canceled a game just because a Black man died on the field. I mean, what was that about? And Also, we’d like to honor Kevin McCarthy, you know, Kevin McCarthy cried a bunch of white tears when he was ousted from his seat as house speaker.
But the winner is America First. The patriots who loved the troops and the flag did a lot in 2023 to make America great again. The same ones who call Colin Kaepernick an anti American communist whined when the NFL let someone sing a literal anthem to America. The ones who claim to love the constitution and wanted to see Obama’s birth certificate are currently crying over the clause about insurrectionists being disqualified from office.
Shout out to you, Colorado. The ones who hate big government interference passed laws governing the bodies of women and transgender athletes and those free speech advocates were cool with silencing anyone who supports Palestine, the ones who don’t see color had hissy fits about the skin tones of mermaids and hobbits and superheroes.
They love the troops, but block military promotions, hate the Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, and sob about Critical Race Theory. They are pro-police and love law and order, as long as the FBI is not investigating insurrectionists, racism, or, you know, anyone white. They hate America. In reality, they just love whiteness first.
So congratulations to America First for winning this year’s white tears award. Oh, America First couldn’t be here today, so I’ll accept this award in their honor Before we go on into another category. I’d like to give a shout out to the accounting firm who tabulated our results from Crown Royal Bags.
It’s not the drink, but the people who make the bags. Where is the best place to keep your money? Well, Crown Royal Bags is a bank and accounting firm, a change maker and the most secure safety company in America. When you don’t know where to keep your money, put it. under your mattress and a Crown Royal Bag.
Trust me, no one will ever look there, But let’s get back to our festivities. Our next category is Worst Wypipoing by a Duo or a Group. And the nominees are The state of Florida. After rejecting AP African American Studies for K through 12 schools, the Sunshine State’s new Wypipo History standards set a new standard for whitewashing.
School boards. Across the country, local school boards have banned books, attacked LGBTQ students and teachers, closed libraries, and removed courses on Black History. And our last nominee is Texas Governor Greg Abbott and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s white drop squad. They roamed the southern border and kidnapped immigrants and took them on scenic bus rides all across America, but the winner is Montgomery Alabama’s mix martial arts This one was easy on a bright sunny day on August 5th 2023, Black Twitter, white history and water based brouhaha’s were forever changed. Even the ancestors were pleased when a group of rosy necked pontoon boaters delivered a shipload of delight to the Black cinematic universe.
When one brave young security guard threw his hat in the air and engaged on a mission of helping Wypipo find out after they had effed around. Personally, I had no idea that cans of whoop ass were available for instant download. What a thing it was to behold. So congratulations to the Montgomery mixed martial arts, Seaside Dojo for their 2023 worst Wypipo win by a duo or a group.
They couldn’t be here to accept this award because you know, they still kind of injured, but we’ll accept it for them. Our next category is White Boy of the Year. Our first nominee is Matt Gaetz. The Florida Congressman had a busy 2023. He escaped a sex trafficking charge, led two intra party rebellions, and attacked anti white prejudice in the criminal justice system when he defended the January 6th insurgents.
Our second nominee is DJ Vlad. Following years of profiting from his anti Black content, this world renowned internet op, who is not a DJ, credited himself with solving Tupac’s murder by just getting gangsters to talk on camera. Our next nominee is Christopher Rufo. After creating the mass hysteria surrounding the anti critical race theory movement, the foremost race hustler in America led Ron DeSantis’s anti DEI movement and an attack on Claudine Gay.
But the winner is Elon Musk. Musk’s accomplishments in 2023 are too extensive to name, but let me list the top 10. He founded White Twitter. He advocated for free speech and then put a price tag on free speech. He redefined the word verified to mean, we didn’t verify this. He identified the virus that created woke minds.
He encouraged advertisers to have sex with themselves. He changed the generation defining platform called Twitter to a letter of the alphabets. And not Malcolm X. He put a price tag on whiteness. He single handedly stopped Wypipo from going extinct. He endorsed anti Semitism and Islamophobia. And Tesla, Twitter, and SpaceX, all of his companies, they all lost money.
So congratulations to Elon Musk for White Boy of the Year. Elon Musk couldn’t be here today because he was probably on his private jet going somewhere really, really white. So we accept this award on his behalf. Our next category is Karen of the Year. This award goes to, y’all know who Karen’s are. Our first nominee is Lauren Bobert,
the horny, uneducated, criminal, teen mom, divorced her husband, became a grandmother of a child of teen parents, and got into a makeout match in a live theater. But I don’t blame her. It’s white culture. Our second nominee is Nikki Haley. Remember I said, like, because of the affirmative action ruling, we couldn’t just nominate Wypipo .
So Nikki Haley is a nominee for disparaging Obama, affirmative action, history, and people with a victim mentality, even though she doesn’t know that slavery started the Civil War. Our next nominee, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Sanders began her term as governor of Arkansas in 2023, and immediately attacked abortion, Black history, and even the term Latinx or a Latinx, I don’t know how to say it quite.
Trust me, she does. Gennie Thomas. This was the year that we found out that Clarence Thomas’s wife supported grift, graft, and insurrectionist riff raff. But don’t worry, I’m sure her husband wasn’t involved in anything she did. But the winner is White Moms. And to celebrate their win, we created a special tune to the tune.
of “The Candy Man” “Who can vote Republican, Who can vote Republican, But want their reproductive rights, But want their reproductive rights ,Ignores Black maternal mortality While claiming they’re pro life, A white mom can, A white mom can , A white mom can A white mom can because she has no love and she’s privileged as fuck.
Who can call the cops? Who can call the cops? When you have a suspicious look? When you have a suspicious look, who can flip the school board and ban Black books. A white mom can. A white mom can. A white mom can. A white mom can. A white mom can because she hates Black history, but she’s a mom for liberty. She’s a mom for Liberty Who can benefit from, Who can benefit from?
Affirmative action the most, affirmative action the most. But on election day, she gave the GOP her votes. A white mom can. A white mom can. A white mom can. A white mom can. A white mom can because she doesn’t see race, but her heart is filled with hate oh, yes, a white mom can.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m sure somebody is trying to sign me up to a recording contract right now, but, but trust me, I’m busy right now.
So, just hold it. But we’d like to congratulate white moms on their win, even though they couldn’t be here because, you know, a white mom can win when she’s absent from the show, a white mom can that, that, that one I’m giving to you for free, we’re going to end the first part of the awards right here.
And we’ll conclude with part two of the Wypipo Awards for 2023 on the next episode of theGrio Daily.
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