6 Hilarious (and practical) ways to boycott the NFL’s racist kneeling ban

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Well, it looks like the NFL finally shat the racial bed for real.

After two years of public relations madness brought on by quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s silent protest of the National Anthem, the crust-bucket NFL owners announced via their marionette doll, Commissioner Roger Goodell, that players who kneel during the anthem will be fined by the league.

I wish I were more surprised than I am at this blatant affront toward the Black Lives Matter movement and everything that Kaepernick’s utterly harmless protest stood for in the first place. I’m having a hard time imagining how Black people can abide this disrespect by continuing to support the NFL in any capacity. And this is coming from someone who is still looking forward to all the upcoming Kanye West music.

READ MORE: The NFL’s latest policy on player protests fumbled its chance to stand on the right side of history

But we shouldn’t stop at simply not watching games (My home team is the Detroit Lions, so that’s not hard for me). We could organize a boycott of the biggest NFL sponsors, but they include the likes of Visa, McDonalds, Microsoft and Pepsi, so I know better than to even attempt that wild shit.

Here are a few more reasonable ways to stick it to the NFL. Most of them require some money, so just contribute where you can.

1. Buy up every copy of ‘Concussion‘ you can find

Indeed, Concussion flopped like a just-caught catfish and contributed to the string of Will “Tell De Troof” Smith’s holiday bombs that should really have him reconsidering his agents. But since the movie depicts the real-life events of Dr. Bennet Omalu and the NFL’s attempts to suppress his discovery of a pattern of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) – brain trauma – in NFL players, I think we should look past the quality of the film itself (I haven’t seen it), order them all and pass them out as gifts for the rest of the year. Less than 8 bucks on Amazon Prime!

2. Organize a massive Janet Jackson concert during Super Bowl LII

Miss Jackson became the league’s pariah 14 years ago following the exposure of an errant, bedazzled nipple during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show. A great way to show love to the league’s second most-hated Black person next to Kaep would be to organize a massive, one-night-only concert during next year’s Feb. 9 Super Bowl, featuring a bunch of acts and Jackson as headliner. We can throw our Pay-Per-View dollars at that instead of tuning in for what will inevitably become another New England Patriots Super Bowl. Not invited for the opening act: Justin Timberlake.

READ MORE: Despite activism, NFL issues policy on kneeling during national anthem

3. Ship kneeling toys to the owners

Since the kneeling ban was a unanimous vote between the NFL owners, they should feel some inconvenience for their f—ery, even if it’s slight. I enjoy the visual of them wading through sacks upon sacks of toys, statuettes and action figures that depict characters taking a knee. I recommend those cheap plastic soldier figurines with the kneeling sharpshooters. If you’re a baller, go hard with the Santa kneeling with Christ child figurines or, ironically, the kneeling coach trophy.

4. Take up Hockey

Look, I know that Black folks aren’t really rocking with any sport that requires us to be indoors and in the cold, but I think we need to continue our trend of exacting our dominance over sports normally not considered “for” us. Consider raising your kid to play hockey instead of football. Not only will they not be drooling uncontrollably by age 50 if they go pro, but lemon pepper wings will be present at every professional rink’s concession stand. Curling, we’re coming for you next.

5. Ship Tom Brady deflated footballs by the pallet

It’s tough because Tom Brady is one of the shining beacons of my alma mater, the University of Michigan, and I can’t deny his supremacy at the sport. But if I can think of one direct opposite to Kaepernick, it’d be his MAGA-loving, Trump-bromance-having ass. This is a mighty fine time to remind Brady that Deflategate will forever asterisk his career in the eyes of many by shipping deflated footballs to his house by the truckload and dropping them off on the lawn of his estate. Bonus points if Giselle can’t get her car out of the garage.

6. Entice players to stay in the locker rooms

In lieu of kneeling, players can opt to stay in the locker rooms during the National Anthem with no penalty. It’s up to us to send shit to those locker rooms before games that will convince a bunch of highly-paid athletes to stay in there. I recommend pan pizzas with the buttery crust. Or scantily-clad, surgically-enhanced white women. Or mounds of cocaine. Or scantily-clad, surgically-enhanced white women carrying pan pizzas with the buttery crust that are laced with cocaine. Whatever works.

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.