The diabolical nature of 1-ply toilet paper
OPINION: I don’t judge many people for many things, but having 1-ply toilet paper in your house will make me side-eye you and your decisions.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
I am not highbrow or high falutin’ — uppity, if you will — about many things. I eat at chain restaurants; I even eat at Taco Bell. I buy packs of white T-shirts and wear them as essential pieces of my outfit until the pack runs out. I don’t know much about wine or cheese. I even prefer paperback books.
But where I draw the line and where my uppity nature kicks in is toilet paper. I HATE 1-ply toilet paper and judge people who purchase it and put it in the guest bathrooms for people like me to use. I get mad when I’m at hotels and restaurants, and my bowels get to churning and I see razor-thin paper awaiting my tush. I might as well wipe with my bare hand. Sure that’s disgusting, but that’s the message I receive when I show up at folks’ homes and I can see through the toilet tissue. It’s the reason I often bring rolls of toilet paper with me when I venture out to hotels.
Honestly, I don’t understand why 1-ply is a thing. Nobody likes it. You’ve never heard a person say they wish they had 1-ply toilet paper. Never. I assume it is purely a cost thing because why else would anybody manufacture and sell to a mass of people rolls of toilet paper that are bad at doing the job they were created to do? I don’t know a single soul who actively thinks 1-ply toilet paper is quality or efficient. Sure, it might get the job done but at what cost? I use half a roll anytime I come into contact with the stuff. And I’m always annoyed afterward; my skin deserves the finest of papers.
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I’m a 2-ply guy and a snob about brands. I’m a Charmin dude. In fact, before we got married, I made it very clear to my future wife that we would not be buying and deploying any of that nonsensical off-brand toilet paper in our home. She tried to bring a case of 1-ply stuff into this house, and it was shut down at the door. I might have even left it on the curb. My disdain for 1-ply toilet paper is that sincere. I hate it. I hate it when I see it. I hate the way that it walks, the way that it talks, I hate the way that it dresses. If 1-play were Drake, I’d be Kendrick Lamar. I have all of the smoke for 1-ply toilet paper and people who set it out for us civilized folks to use.
I don’t have a rental property yet, but if I did, I’d get marvelous reviews because the first thing people would notice about my place is that I set up the bathrooms with real, quality solid 2-ply (at least) toilet paper. I’d spend the extra money — because I care about people. I’d be a rarity because every place I’ve rented has had some trash for toilet paper. And why would you do that to people? Don’t you know that good toilet paper (and real paper towels) can change an entire experience?
Seriously, 1-ply toilet paper is the devil. It’s diabolical to the derriere. It’s a travesty of tushtastic proportions. Stop using it. Stop buying it. Be better to yourself and to others. Nobody who comes to my home will ever have to concern themselves with the experience they’ll have in my bathroom, at least not because of the toilet paper. If anything, there might be too much because maybe I accidentally picked up a mega XL roll pack of toilet paper and now it’s a struggle to get the toilet paper off the holder as it rubs up against the wall. I also have smoke for mega XL rolls because they don’t fit on holders, either affixed to walls or as standalone toilet paper holders. Point is, there might be too much, but hey, that sounds like one of them good problems.
Point is, 1-ply is bad. Down with 1-ply toilet paper and those who put it in their home guest bathrooms. Or anywhere.
Panama Jackson is a columnist at theGrio and host of the award-winning podcast, “Dear Culture” on theGrio Black Podcast Network. He writes very Black things, drinks very brown liquors, and is pretty fly for a light guy. His biggest accomplishment to date coincides with his Blackest accomplishment to date in that he received a phone call from Oprah Winfrey after she read one of his pieces (biggest) but he didn’t answer the phone because the caller ID said “Unknown” (Blackest).
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