Compton does NOT want you: An open letter to Stacey Dash about the congressional election she’s going to lose

Dear Stacey Dash,

Can I call you Stacey?

Despite never having met you in person, I feel like I know you pretty well considering all the things that occurred between you and me in my head when I wore out my old VHS copy of Illegal in Blue (the unrated version) as a teenager. And then, there’s also my copy of your legendary KING Magazine cover. But we don’t need to dwell on all of that.

I hear that you’re running for Congress in California. As in, like, real Congress…not some House of Cards-esque production where you and Isaiah Washington play off of each other as villains. It would appear that you’ve filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission and everything. You even came up with a, umm, cute campaign slogan—Dash to D.C.

Look, Stacey, I admit to struggling with this letter, but I realize that you are very much in need of a “Come to Jesus” moment as it were, so I need to get over myself and just be candid and keep it real with the woman I’ve had a crush on for more than a quarter century. (Geez, Mo’ Money was a long time ago)

Compton? Really?

It’s great that you’re motivated to start something you’ve been teasing about for such a long time; we miss 100 percent of the shots we don’t take. However, I want to know how, exactly, you plan to fare in California’s 44^th Congressional District, which is home to Compton, Watts and North Long Beach?

West Coast rappers like Dr. Dre, Snoop, and Kendrick Lamar have spent years telling everyone that these places are Black as hell, and therefore Democratic as hell. More than 80 percent of the district voted for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election, so what makes you think they’ll go for your cooning ass?

Black Card Permanently Revoked

You’ve done everything in your power to make us forget how much we loved your character, Dionne in Clueless. You’ve been saying and tweeting wild dumb shit for years— and I’m now realizing that maybe all this time, you’ve just had a really dark tan, or maybe one of those wraparound skins like in the movie Total Recall. Who are you really underneath that nearly-vampiric level of fineness and agelessness? Come to think of it, has anyone ever seen you and Ann Coulter in the same place at the same time?

You’ve violated your privileges as an ovary-carrying human more than once by dismissing the gender wage gap and telling women that they need to be better negotiators. You defended America’s favorite heart attack-causing racist Paula Deen, tweeting to her that that “only God can judge your heart” after she admitted to dropping multiple N-bombs in the late 20^th century.

You even came for the mighty Oprah Winfrey (an unforgivable act in even white social circles.)

READ MORE: Girl Bye! Stacey Dash came for Oprah and is now crying because women are bullying her online

Fox News saw fit to suspend you for two weeks for saying you feel like “Obama could give a shit” about terrorism because you swore on air, which is like punishing a school shooter for walking into the building without proper ID.

You even trashed the #OscarsSoWhite movement, saying we should get rid of Black History Month, BET and other things that focus on honoring our legacy. It’s ironic that you would trash BET, considering you have collected more than one check from them.

No one applauded when Chris Rock inexplicably ushered you out for the Academy Awards in 2016. The best part of that was the Chrissy Teigen meme, which became the gift that keeps on giving. As a race, we’re pretty much done with you. If ever there’s a cookout, you’ll get zapped like a dog creeping up to an invisible fence.

Inevitable L

We all know (and maybe you do too) that you’re likely to lose any race in a Democratic district, so why are you bothering? This is an even bigger waste of campaign finances than when your Brother in Double-Stuff Oreo arms Alan Keyes got mollywhopped by Barack Obama for the Illinois U.S. Senate seat in 2004.

Are you bored? Perhaps you’re making a dash (sorry, not sorry) to get back into the good graces of Fox News, who dropped you faster than the White House did your fellow sunken place sista, Omarosa. (See a trend here? Do I need to walk you through this?)

Either way, this whole thing is embarrassing. Every major news outlet is reporting about your intention to run and throwing the easiest shade ever in their headlines. You could maybe run somewhere in Cracker County, U.S.A. where the constituency will be more aligned with your politics, but I’m not sure how quickly they’ll welcome a Black woman whose softcore skin flick is still available in its uncut entirety on YouTube.

But, you know, keep going, I guess. #Black Girl Magic and all that. Wait, can you claim Black Girl Magic? If there’s a “do not enter” list for that, I’m sure you’re on it. I’m terribly sad that I’ll have to embrace your failure with schadenfreude, but if the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that everyone is subject for cancelation—even you, my dear legendary 90s crush. Here’s hoping Halle Berry doesn’t act up anytime soon.

Yours truly,

-Dustin

Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Learn more about him at wafflecolored.com.